Walking Away

Dear Butch,

The way to a femme’s heart may be to control her in the bedroom, but when you move that role play to outside the four-poster bed there becomes an issue.

I was in a horrific abusive relationship many years ago.  I was a victim of unmentionable actions of physical, emotional, and sexual nature.  I didn’t know how to escape the situation at the time and now I cannot escape the flashbacks.  I also have not been able to break free from being uncontrollably attracted to complete assholes.  I fall hard for those who treat me like shit.

Your unnecessary anger towards me is something I accepted because I was completely smitten with you.  The way you attempted to control and manipulate me was top-notch, some of the best I have ever seen.  You did it with such ease and grace. The worse you treated me the harder I fell.  I tried with all my being to please you, thinking that your unexplainable rage and disgust with me was because I was failing to please you and your needs.  That I was a failure as a woman and as a partner.  And in the moments I thought I couldn’t take anymore without breaking, you would sweep me off my feet and treat me like a princess.  I was so wrapped up in the roller coaster that I didn’t realize you had unbuckled my seatbelt half way through the ride.

I need to break the cycle.  My friends tell me I deserve better, and even though I don’t believe them I know they are right.  So after all this time and with you long gone out of my life, I am going to walk away from you.  Walk away from something I wanted to be so wonderful.  For once, I need to thinking about myself.  You will never know that you were my last asshole.




6 thoughts on “Walking Away

  1. Femme,

    I am so very sorry that you have suffered so much, especially at the hands of a butch. My heart goes out to you.

    I hope that someday soon you will believe your friends–not just because you know they are right, but because you know you are worthy of love. Because you are. You deserve love, and you deserve a love that is honest and kind and respectful.

    Kudos to finding it in yourself to finally walk away. I know that’s no easy task.

    Hang in there. Keep going down the road you’re on. I promise it will take you somewhere much better than where you’ve been.

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