Pre-Date Ritual

Dear Butch,

I was recently asked by a new Twitter friend, Barbara / @FemmFairyGodmom (who you can read at to describe my pre-date ritual as a femme.  I was honored to be asked and in the writing process realized you have probably have no idea how much work and humor goes into looking as good as you think I look (I have other opinions, but I also suffer from low self-esteem).  So, I have decided to share my secrets with you.  For your reading pleasure …

How Love, Femme Prepares for a Date Night

  1. Turn on music, either something sweet like Pasty Cline or a little dirtier like Lil’ Kim.
  2. Dance a little in the mirror, naked of course.
  3. Hop in the shower.  Scrub, suds, shave, and sing.
  4.  Hop out of the shower (carefully) and towel off before covering every inch of skin in moisturizer.
  5.  Add a little serum to my curly hair and then wrap in a terry cloth towel.
  6.  Notice a stray eyebrow while looking in the mirror and pluck.
  7.  Apply deodorant and my favorite perfume, Vera Wang’s Rock Princess.
  8.  Wrap myself in my favorite robe, red silk with white cherry blossoms.
  9.  Brush teeth, which is one of my favorite things to do.
  10.  Paint fingernails and toenails.
  11.  Put on appropriate, but sexy, matching bra and panty set.
  12.  Smudge two fingernails and one toenail in the process of getting dressed.
  13.  Curse at self and redo the three smudge nails.
  14.  Let nails dry completely.
  15.  Unwrap hair from towel and curse myself for not getting a hair cut.
  16.  Work gel into curls and shape to make sure they are extra bouncy.
  17.  Re-wrap hair in terry cloth towel to finish drying.
  18.  Apply make up.
  19.  Curse self for not being better at creating a smoky eye.
  20.  Remove eye make up.
  21.  Decide to redo whole face.
  22.  Reapply makeup while watching a YouTube video on how to create the perfect smoky eye.
  23.  Get dressed in the outfit I picked out the day before that is perfectly pressed.
  24.  Look in the mirror and wonder “What the fuck was I thinking, this outfit looks horrible!”
  25.  Look in the closet and pick out something better to wear.
  26.  Undress from the horrific outfit and get redressed in the better outfit.
  27.  Look in the mirror again and notice that the new outfit has major wrinkles/button missing/hem loose.
  28.  Undress from second outfit.
  29.  Look in the closet again and pull out a whole new outfit, even better then the first but not as good as the second.
  30.  Get dressed and realize that the third outfit will need a pair of heels I haven’t seen in months.
  31.  Dig for a heels that have gone missing that will go with the third outfit, but can only find the heels that will go with the first outfit.
  32.  Undress from third outfit.
  33.  Change back into the first outfit, add the heels, and realize that I actually look pretty decent.
  34.  Touch up the make up.
  35.  Say goodbye to my beloved pets and walk out the door feeling super sexy.
  36.  Stop in the hallway and realize the terry cloth towel is still on my head.
  37.  Curse self for being really stupid.
  38.  Run back into apartment before neighbors see me and unwrap hair.
  39.  Add finishing spray to perfect curls.
  40.  Head back out the door feeling even more sexy.
  41.  Get to the car and realize in my extreme state of self-confidence I forgot my cellphone on the nightstand.
  42.  Head back up to my apartment (three flights of stairs in heels) cursing the entire way.
  43. Grab cellphone, retouch up my curls, and head back to the car.
  44. Get in car, start driving, and call one of my best friends to tell them about my venture and have them reassure me that I look sexy and am a good woman to date.
  45.  Miss an exit due to either A) My conversation with one of the best friends B) I was really into singing a song on the radio or C) Nerves.
  46.  Turn myself around and arrive at the destination.
  47.  Retouch lipstick in mirror, tousle curls, and exit car.
  48.  See you waiting for me, patiently.
  49.  Smile at you and think how fucking hot you look.

Hope you enjoyed!




3 thoughts on “Pre-Date Ritual

  1. Pingback: Butch v. Femme: Date Prep « alwaysofftopic

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