I was recently asked by a new Twitter friend, Barbara / @FemmFairyGodmom (who you can read at http://alwaysofftopic.wordpress.com) to describe my pre-date ritual as a femme. I was honored to be asked and in the writing process realized you have probably have no idea how much work and humor goes into looking as good as you think I look (I have other opinions, but I also suffer from low self-esteem). So, I have decided to share my secrets with you. For your reading pleasure …
How Love, Femme Prepares for a Date Night
- Turn on music, either something sweet like Pasty Cline or a little dirtier like Lil’ Kim.
- Dance a little in the mirror, naked of course.
- Hop in the shower. Scrub, suds, shave, and sing.
- Hop out of the shower (carefully) and towel off before covering every inch of skin in moisturizer.
- Add a little serum to my curly hair and then wrap in a terry cloth towel.
- Notice a stray eyebrow while looking in the mirror and pluck.
- Apply deodorant and my favorite perfume, Vera Wang’s Rock Princess.
- Wrap myself in my favorite robe, red silk with white cherry blossoms.
- Brush teeth, which is one of my favorite things to do.
- Paint fingernails and toenails.
- Put on appropriate, but sexy, matching bra and panty set.
- Smudge two fingernails and one toenail in the process of getting dressed.
- Curse at self and redo the three smudge nails.
- Let nails dry completely.
- Unwrap hair from towel and curse myself for not getting a hair cut.
- Work gel into curls and shape to make sure they are extra bouncy.
- Re-wrap hair in terry cloth towel to finish drying.
- Apply make up.
- Curse self for not being better at creating a smoky eye.
- Remove eye make up.
- Decide to redo whole face.
- Reapply makeup while watching a YouTube video on how to create the perfect smoky eye.
- Get dressed in the outfit I picked out the day before that is perfectly pressed.
- Look in the mirror and wonder “What the fuck was I thinking, this outfit looks horrible!”
- Look in the closet and pick out something better to wear.
- Undress from the horrific outfit and get redressed in the better outfit.
- Look in the mirror again and notice that the new outfit has major wrinkles/button missing/hem loose.
- Undress from second outfit.
- Look in the closet again and pull out a whole new outfit, even better then the first but not as good as the second.
- Get dressed and realize that the third outfit will need a pair of heels I haven’t seen in months.
- Dig for a heels that have gone missing that will go with the third outfit, but can only find the heels that will go with the first outfit.
- Undress from third outfit.
- Change back into the first outfit, add the heels, and realize that I actually look pretty decent.
- Touch up the make up.
- Say goodbye to my beloved pets and walk out the door feeling super sexy.
- Stop in the hallway and realize the terry cloth towel is still on my head.
- Curse self for being really stupid.
- Run back into apartment before neighbors see me and unwrap hair.
- Add finishing spray to perfect curls.
- Head back out the door feeling even more sexy.
- Get to the car and realize in my extreme state of self-confidence I forgot my cellphone on the nightstand.
- Head back up to my apartment (three flights of stairs in heels) cursing the entire way.
- Grab cellphone, retouch up my curls, and head back to the car.
- Get in car, start driving, and call one of my best friends to tell them about my venture and have them reassure me that I look sexy and am a good woman to date.
- Miss an exit due to either A) My conversation with one of the best friends B) I was really into singing a song on the radio or C) Nerves.
- Turn myself around and arrive at the destination.
- Retouch lipstick in mirror, tousle curls, and exit car.
- See you waiting for me, patiently.
- Smile at you and think how fucking hot you look.
Hope you enjoyed!