I feel conflicted about many things in life. The HRC. Diet Coke. Wallet Chains.
Yes, wallet chains. I am a child of the 90’s. I grew up loving all things grunge. Flannel shirts, holey jeans, and Kurt Cobain. The wallet chain looked great during the era of garage rock, but I struggle with their apperal outside of that decade. Which is tough, since your breed is so fond of them.
After doing a little field research (i.e. going to the bar several times in the past week to recover from my recent break up) I have come up with four rules for a good wallet chain:
– The overall length must not be too long or too short. I think there should be enough slack that you can hold your wallet comfortably slightly to the side of your body. The chain should not be so short that the utility of is wasted, but not so long that it could be used as a jump rope.
– It must be a solid color. I know they come in hues of rainbow, but I ask you to restrain yourself. I am all for showing your pride, but not with a wallet chain. Keep it classic and preferably silver. The wallet chain should complement your outfit, not distract from it.
– Have an appropriate link circumference. I saw a wallet chain a few weekends ago at a club that looked like a necklace. The links were so tiny that it looked ridiculous. And I have seen chains that the links were so large I wondered if they doubled for a pair of brass knuckles. You do receive bonus points if the links have a great pattern or artistic look to them (a.k.a beyond the basic brushed flattened oval).
– Know what items of clothing a wallet chain looks good with. For example, I once was checking out a stunning butch at the beach. She was rocking argyle swim trunks and a fitted ribbed tank. Just as I was slyly nudging a friend to check out the eye candy, the butch turned slightly away from us and glimmering in the sun was a wallet chain. My friend and I had to hold back our laughter. Really, a wallet chain at the beach? Really?!? With a pair of Dockers at work, maybe. With dark denim at the bar, hell yes. With a pair of overalls, fuck no.
So I ask you, my beloved butch, to help me reclaim my love of the wallet chain by following my simple rules.