I feel a bit ashamed of myself this month. The kind of shame that you feel when you know you have done something wrong, but no one else knows. It creeps up your back like a bad chill and no matter how many layers you put on you cant shake it. Maybe if you just tell a friend in confidence, you convince yourself, you will feel less guilty. Or maybe write it on a piece of paper and then burn it so the shame floats away wit the ash. But, deep down, you know that it will take more then a few shallow acts of idiotic self-cleansing to make all right again.
I really am a good ex. I behave well both in public and in private, in person and through social media. I mind my manners and act like a responsible mature adult. I have been praised for not trash talking my ex’s. In most cases, let’s go with 97.3% there is just no material to use for a proper trash talking. And for the other 3.7% it just isn’t worth my time and energy. What happened happened and no amount of shit I spew, whether it be true or false. will fix what has occurred.
What I wrote these past thirty days is nothing I would ever say aloud. Ever. I trash talked this month. A lot.
I don’t know what came over me. I went from wanting to give good honest advice to unleashing some kind of demonic monster from my soul. And during all of it, I never felt rage. Sure, my words were pungent with anger and frustration, but it didn’t damper my mood. I didn’t spend hours after writing having to find ways to ilevate pent up wrath. In fact, just the opposite. I felt lighter. I confess, I am a people pleaser with the social graces of Emily Post. I am the perfect mix of East Coast Society Girl meets Southern Peach with a big dollop of Midwest Sweet. So, I guess instead of teaching others a lesson abut being a good ex, maybe I taught myself a lesson. I can be prim and proper, but that doesn’t mean it is good for me. Maybe, letting out the beast a bit in setting of anonymity is what I needed to be a better me.
Maybe, I need to stop trying to make those who hurt me so bad feel so good about themselves and start working on building myself up.