Calm Down

Dear Butch,

I care for you, I really do.  And what we have had going for the past few months (more like nine) has been pretty great for the most part.  We have developed this glorified fuck buddies non-relationship.  A comfortable situation that doesn’t make sense to many people and is hard to verbalize.  We have a history that was rekindled during a low point for both of us and very unexpectedly.  I only want the best for you and am very supportive of your evolution in life.  I don’t want a relationship and I think I believe you when you tell me the same.  With that said, I may piss you off with the following…

I have tried to tell you this in person several times, but the message hasn’t seem to have gone through.  So, I am putting it in print in hopes that you can marinate in it for a bit.  I need you to calm down when we are around friends and strangers.  Yes, calm down.  When it is just you and I, you are pretty polite and pleasant.  Your attitude is relaxed and we have a great time.  And then, as soon as we are around others you become tense and slightly angry.  I am not sure what happens or why it happens.  All I know is that I have been witnessing this path of social destruction and having to clean up the pieces with apologies on your behalf without your knowledge.  I haven’t wanted to tell you that part and just typing it makes my stomach hurt because I know I am hurting you.  I hate hurting you.

I know that life hasn’t always been kind to you.  That you have had your unfair share of hardships and challenges.  I understand that your days can be tough and that society isn’t always kind.  I accept that you can get cranky and am not asking for you to become Pollyanna.  What I would like to see is calm in your spirit and soul.  No one has forced you on the edge of cliff with pitchforks and torches.  You are not a prey animal with the only options being flight or fight.  I would like to see you take a step back before you become defensive or (at times) rudely bossy and ask yourself if you would like to be treated the same.  And if you can’t learn to chill out a bit, we will have to end.  I can’t live my life to the fullest joy I know I deserve if I am always feeling like I have defend your obvious pissed off behavior.

I want you to know the world is not against you.  I wish my friends could see the carefree you I have gotten to know in private.  I hope that when I press the “Publish” button that I don’t regret my very public plea.

Love,

Femme

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