I have had a rough week, to put it mildly.
I love my friends. I like my friend’s girl/boy/grrl/boi friends, partners, spouses. I adore my friend’s children. I enjoy my friend’s houses. I celebrate my friend’s accomplishments.
I have none of these same feelings towards myself, because I have nothing to chalk up in each of these areas. I am floundering through life while at the same time living on the surface. My head is under water and my ass in the air, waiting for a good kick. I want to much for myself, but it all seems so out of reach. Or maybe my hands are too busy trying to stay a float, pushing through the murky waters of doubt and self-loathing.
I just don’t know what I should expect anymore. Will I be married with children and a home? Will I be alone with my pets in an apartment? I keep telling myself that many aspects of my life are out of my control and I need to relax, but that just makes me tense up more. Makes me question my purpose here and my value as a femme queer lady. This is why I could never do yoga, silence makes my brain go into overdrive.
Am I unloveable? Am I undesirable? Am I unwanted?
Do I even deserve to be loved, desired, and wanted?