Tough Questions

Dear Butch,

I have had a rough week, to put it mildly.

I love my friends.  I like my friend’s girl/boy/grrl/boi friends, partners, spouses.  I adore my friend’s children.  I enjoy my friend’s houses.  I celebrate my friend’s accomplishments.

I have none of these same feelings towards myself, because I have nothing to chalk up in each of these areas.  I am floundering through life while at the same time living on the surface.  My head is under water and my ass in the air, waiting for a good kick.  I want to much for myself, but it all seems so out of reach.  Or maybe my hands are too busy trying to stay a float, pushing through the murky waters of doubt and self-loathing.

I just don’t know what I should expect anymore.  Will I be married with children and a home?  Will I be alone with my pets in an apartment?  I keep telling myself that many aspects of my life are out of my control and I need to relax, but that just makes me tense up more.  Makes me question my purpose here and my value as a femme queer lady.  This is why I could never do yoga, silence makes my brain go into overdrive.

Am I unloveable?  Am I undesirable?  Am I unwanted?

Do I even deserve to be loved, desired, and wanted?



4 thoughts on “Tough Questions

  1. Yes, you do deserve it but if you don’t believe it, others sense that and will stay away. I am attracted to confidence, personality and not necessarily a “look”. You have it within you to be awesome, you just have to find a way to believe it. In some ways, it’s a leap of faith and a risk because you have to put yourself out there. I, for one, believe you can do it and have “it”.

  2. Femme, everyone deserves to be loved and desired. Especially someone with all of your talents and gifts. But I bet you already know all of this somewhere deep down inside under the lace and the lipstick.

  3. Femme, you have such a fabulous blog that brings such joy to your readers (including this femme!). We all have doubts, but you are a femme worthy of being loved, desired ,and wanted. Believe that:)

  4. Femme, you are worth, you are desired, you are lovable *and* fully deserving of being loved.

    Never doubt that, not even for one, tinny, tiny, hot second; you’re brilliant.

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