Like Mary Poppins floating across the dark English sky, I can feel the winds of change coming between you and I. All good, but all are causing me to completely freak the fuck out.
Last month as I was writing my rent check I realize that I had spent only one night in my own place. One night in my small apartment, it felt like i was paying for a night in a luxury suite except instead of fine linens and ornate furniture I was surrounded by my own old crap. I have slowly been moving in my clothing, toiletries, and small home furnishings. We have discussed me breaking my lease, because in the end I will be saving more money then what I will be losing. We are leaving for vacation on Friday, just you and I and the open road. I no longer fear trying to find topics of conversation because silence between us no longer feels so scary. We have a fun new name that our friends refer to us as, a combination of our last names with an ironic twist. The sex hasn’t died down or gotten boring, in fact just the opposite. You really are my boifriend (yes, with an “I”) and I really am your girlfriend. We have talked about marriage, buying a home together, and having children. We have discussed who is going on whose medical insurance and life insurance beneficiaries.
And through all of this, I am still so fucking scared. Scared I will fuck it all up because I am extremely good at sabotaging healthy relationships in fear of being loved. Terrified that you will realize that there are so many more beautiful, intelligent, witty, irresistable, kind women out there for you and I am just a “settle”. Frightened because we have both been down this road and we both were left with our beaten hearts on the ground.
I have consulted a tarot reader, a psychic and my best friends. They all tell me that you are the one, that you have always been the one. That you will never let me down, that all I need to do is let go of all my insecurities and fears and you will be there to catch me. They say that we are going to unstoppable, if only I let us start our journey. I am the one holding you back, holding us back. They have so much faith in us, I wish could just walk off the cliff and take the leap.
So, I have one question for you. One question that will let me take the step into the unknown. Will you be there for me, always and forever?