Planning Panic

Dear Butch,

I never was the little girl who wanted a wedding.  Instead of dressing up as a bride for Halloween, I would dress of famous female villains or politicians.  In my young adult years I was pretty anti-marrigae (for myself, not others).  As my friends were being great U-Haul lesbians, I was dodging commitment with grace.

Then, I grew into the idea.  Not grew up to accept it, because some of my closest and most mature friends have no desire to marry.  I was dating a woman who I could actually see spending the rest of my life with.  The light didn’t pop on, but slowly rose like the sun.  I warmed up the thought that someone could actually love me for the rest of my life.  After the relationship ended, I thought those feelings would sink back down but they didn’t.

And now “T-Rex” and I are talking marriage.  And not just marriage, but a wedding  And not just eloping, but an actual ceremony with cake and dancing.  So, like the good planner and researcher I am, I started to do a little looking into this whole wedding thing.  Secretly, I love watching extravagant and over the top wedding shows in my free time.  With brides who turn into evil warriors covered with tulle or weddings that cost more then a four year degree at a private college.  I enjoy watching the insanity from afar.  And now, I am contemplating putting my toe into these dangerous waters.  Just checking out a few planning websites caused me to hyperventilate.  I just don’t know if I can do this, plan a wedding.  And this statement comes from a woman who has planned large and small events for years.  This is different, this is a statement.  I have no issue with the marriage part, that causes me no fear.  It is the actually event itself, causing me great panic and nightmares.  I know exactly what I want, but I feel like trying to achieve it will be my greatest failure.

I want to celebrate without judgement and stress, is that even possible?




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