Mr. T-Rex

Dear Butch,

Cozy up, shit is about to get personal.

I try hard not to write about my relationship with T-Rex, for several obvious and personal reasons.  But tomorrow will mark an important milestone in our lives.  At 9:00 am; T-Rex, his best friend, and I will be appearing in front of a judge.  T-Rex will be having his name and gender marker legally changed, forever.

Although my man has my full support and love, I am struggling.  I know that nothing between he and I will change.  But, I am finding myself mourning the event.  The same sad feelings I felt the night before his top surgery have resurfaced.  I can’t explain why or how these feelings came about,  they started weeks ago in the middle of the night.  Slowly as his court date approaches they have taken up more of my mind and heart.  I know that a person is not just breasts, a name, or a legal gender.  That we are all complex beings, much like stars in a galaxy, many moving parts to create one beautiful creature.

I just feel lost with my feelings.  I keep them careful enclosed in fear that our families and friends will doubt my dedication and devotion to him and our relationship.  The lesbian and transman community already has a rocky relationship, and I am currently trying to keep a steady foot on each.  We have everyone’s blessings, but not their understanding.  I am his advocate, partner, and rock.  And even though he loves me beyond words, I feel that the focus of our lives for the past fourteen months has been his evolution.  I just feel lost in the shuffle of decisions.

Not having a strong support network of couples like us has been challenging.  Not having other women to talk to about how our once butch lesbians partners are changing with hormones and therapy is even tougher.  I feel very much like the lone woman on the island of transmen.  Hot fantasy, haunting reality.

Tomorrow starts the definition of T-Rex’s life, and the the defending of mine.




4 thoughts on “Mr. T-Rex

  1. this written word has touched me more then you know. i have to marinade in it for a wee bit then will be back with some thoughts and experiences of my own, which may pass on the power. i wish you both strength today/ this day.

  2. I was moved by this post, which was passed on to me by a friend today. I’m 34, and in a loving, committed relationship with a wonderful woman. I have been identified as a female since birth, and while I do not necessarily feel male, I feel even less female. It’s led me to occupy an uncomfortable space in between, since I have no desire to change my name or legal gender, but absolutely hate this body covered in female gender markers. I’ve contemplated the idea of taking steps to alter my appearance, like top surgery and hormones, but I have also contemplated what any transition would do to my fiancee.

    The invisible queer…it’s what I call one issue with several causes.
    1.) The queer individual who happened to meet a special person of the opposite sex and fall in love, and is now invisible and even disrespected by fellow queers. (Bisexual is a very narrow, even derogatory term in my community.)
    2.) The queer individual whose partner has transitioned mtf or ftm, and is now read by the world as “straight”.
    3.) The queer individual who lacks the stereotypical “look” or presentation that the entire world, and especially our own LGBTQ community, expects a queer to have.

    My Girl already struggles with #3…she is a beautiful, talented bombshell femme with “girl next door” gorgeousness. This, naturally, means that no one reads her as queer unless she speaks up, or if I am part of the visual equation…like holding her hand or kissing her. Luckily, she is a warm and compassionate advocate for herself, and doesn’t actively rely on me to give her visibility. Yet, it makes me feel good to be a part of her visibility, even if she doesn’t hurt for it, because I know it puts her more at ease when other queer people read her as queer. What if I changed that, by gradually being perceived as male? She’d be read, and addressed, as straight. This weighs heavily on me. While no one should dictate another person’s identity, that goes both ways…I am still struggling to make this decision, on my own and with her.

    She’s supportive and strong, and I would never want to reward her fierce loyalty with anything less. I also know that I am not the best person for her to explore these kinds of feelings with, since our experiences are very different. It must be very lonely to not have any other relationships around you that look like yours…we may be heading into those waters ourselves. My empathy and support are yours; good luck and good love.

    • Dear Thea,

      I would really like to chat with you offline. Please feel free to email me at dearbutchlovefemme(@)

      Love (and so flattered),

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