Cozy up, shit is about to get personal.
I try hard not to write about my relationship with T-Rex, for several obvious and personal reasons. But tomorrow will mark an important milestone in our lives. At 9:00 am; T-Rex, his best friend, and I will be appearing in front of a judge. T-Rex will be having his name and gender marker legally changed, forever.
Although my man has my full support and love, I am struggling. I know that nothing between he and I will change. But, I am finding myself mourning the event. The same sad feelings I felt the night before his top surgery have resurfaced. I can’t explain why or how these feelings came about, they started weeks ago in the middle of the night. Slowly as his court date approaches they have taken up more of my mind and heart. I know that a person is not just breasts, a name, or a legal gender. That we are all complex beings, much like stars in a galaxy, many moving parts to create one beautiful creature.
I just feel lost with my feelings. I keep them careful enclosed in fear that our families and friends will doubt my dedication and devotion to him and our relationship. The lesbian and transman community already has a rocky relationship, and I am currently trying to keep a steady foot on each. We have everyone’s blessings, but not their understanding. I am his advocate, partner, and rock. And even though he loves me beyond words, I feel that the focus of our lives for the past fourteen months has been his evolution. I just feel lost in the shuffle of decisions.
Not having a strong support network of couples like us has been challenging. Not having other women to talk to about how our once butch lesbians partners are changing with hormones and therapy is even tougher. I feel very much like the lone woman on the island of transmen. Hot fantasy, haunting reality.
Tomorrow starts the definition of T-Rex’s life, and the the defending of mine.