Finding Home

Dear Butch,

Since I was a wee little writer, I have struggled to solidify my place in the world.  I often found myself split between two equaled loved options: hockey and ballet, academics and athletics, work and friends.

I find myself in the same position as an adult, stuck between worlds.  I never thought that dating a transman would be easy.  I have my fair share of experience dabbling in the community as a fuck buddy and advocate.

But stuck, I am.  Between two unstable places.

As a lesbian, I fit right in because I have strong roots.  I have earned my place in the community.  As a lifetime, card carrying lesbian.  My identity has not changed since dating T-Rex, I am still really fucking gay.  I love being a femme queer lady with my whole being.  But when you have a partner who uses male pronouns, you get quite a few raised eyebrows.  Your sexual orientation goes on trial and the lesbian mafia serves as the jury.  For a group of people who fight so hard for equality and fair treatment, you wouldn’t except such judgment.

As the partner of a transman, I am seen as an advocate.  There is no doubt that I love, support, and celebrate my T-Rex.  But, when  gathering together for a dinner with the other t-guys, I am talked around and not talked to.  I have opinions about testosterone, binders, surgery, transphobia, and legal loop holes … but I am often looked at with bewilderment because I am not trans.  It is the school of thought that it is one thing to be the cheering change and another to be a player in the game.

So I sit in a juxtaposition between to worlds that often clash.  Lesbians fight against being seen as men and transmen fighting not to be seen as lesbians.  There is respect between the two parties, but underlining frustration that the other “sold out”.  Please note, this does not apply to all.

Where do I fit?  Who will take me in?




3 thoughts on “Finding Home

  1. This makes me just so sad, and more than a little bit appalled at your unfortunate experience. I totally get the “lesbian mafia” feeling “betrayed” by transguys. Feeling betrayed doesn’t mean you get to judge, though. Especially when the person being judged a) is telling you that they’re a lesbian – they get to define that, not you and b) a really close, long-term friend. What kind of a friend passes judgement on someone they profess to love? Sure, we can all agree to disagree but true friends don’t judge each other and make each other feel like “other” in a close-knit group of supposedly good, longtime friends.
    And for those transguys to talk around, over and through you about something you obviously have thoughts and opinions about that are based in your lived experience, and for them to put THEIR lived experience and thoughts and opinions above yours, is unconscionable. When you’re not around, they can do whatever they want. When you are around, they should treat you as the equal human being you are not as “other.” When they behave this way they are no better than their cismale counterparts who they (probably) denigrate for being misogynists. Being a guy does not equal being a misogynist and frankly, transguys have special place in this world of being able to be “more than” the stereotypical “bro” and treat women with the respect they deserve as human beings. They should be using their “special knowledge” of what it means to be raised FAAB (no matter when they started identifying as male) and how women are (generally) treated in society to take the higher ground and make a good name for men everywhere. “Male” is not equal to “asshole” and feminism is not exclusive ground for women.

    • Dear LostLonelyBoi,

      I just want to be clear that this post is not just about friends, but really focused on the overall communities. I have several very loving and support friends of all identities and lifestyles.


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