Since I was a wee little writer, I have struggled to solidify my place in the world. I often found myself split between two equaled loved options: hockey and ballet, academics and athletics, work and friends.
I find myself in the same position as an adult, stuck between worlds. I never thought that dating a transman would be easy. I have my fair share of experience dabbling in the community as a fuck buddy and advocate.
But stuck, I am. Between two unstable places.
As a lesbian, I fit right in because I have strong roots. I have earned my place in the community. As a lifetime, card carrying lesbian. My identity has not changed since dating T-Rex, I am still really fucking gay. I love being a femme queer lady with my whole being. But when you have a partner who uses male pronouns, you get quite a few raised eyebrows. Your sexual orientation goes on trial and the lesbian mafia serves as the jury. For a group of people who fight so hard for equality and fair treatment, you wouldn’t except such judgment.
As the partner of a transman, I am seen as an advocate. There is no doubt that I love, support, and celebrate my T-Rex. But, when gathering together for a dinner with the other t-guys, I am talked around and not talked to. I have opinions about testosterone, binders, surgery, transphobia, and legal loop holes … but I am often looked at with bewilderment because I am not trans. It is the school of thought that it is one thing to be the cheering change and another to be a player in the game.
So I sit in a juxtaposition between to worlds that often clash. Lesbians fight against being seen as men and transmen fighting not to be seen as lesbians. There is respect between the two parties, but underlining frustration that the other “sold out”. Please note, this does not apply to all.
Where do I fit? Who will take me in?