Happy…Dresses

Dear Butch,

I had an epic interal battle with myself this weekend.  Over dresses.

I am pretty sure I have enough dresses to last me a month, easy.  I have dresses in my closest that I probably haven’t even worn.  I have an addiction to making myself as presentable as possible, with hopes to camouflage my flaws and enhance my assets.

I started to casually look for a dress for a particular event in early fall.  I am officiating my first wedding and am looking for the perfect dress.  Black or purple, fancy but not over the top.  I am part of the wedding ceremony, but not part of the wedding party.  There is no handbook for this.  I know I have a few months, but I have had to rush shop for a special event before and it always turns out horrible.  With a general idea in mind, I start looking online.  Fancy lace dresses turn into causal maxi dresses turn in to dresses that are suitable for work but can be dressed down for weekends.

Like a binge televevions watcher, I can’t seem to help myself.  One click turns into another, I am putting dresses into online carts, trying to figure out which I should buy first.  Long forgotten is the officiating dress.  In this moment of controlled chaos and shopping, I am happy.  Imagining all the events, parties, and meetings I can attend while feeling fabulous in a dress that fits me like it was made for me.

There is nothing like dreaming in fabrics.

Love,

Femme

Happy…Spring

Dear Butch,

My office window faces another building, a beautiful old brink building, but still a building.  There is one tree in my sight line, I noticed today that I could finally see little sprouts of green on the tips of the branches.  Walking into work today everything seemed gray and brown, but leaving was an explosion of green.

The sun once again feels warm on my skin and I could smell fresh cut grass.  The tulips in the park were so rich and bright.  Kids were wearing shorts and biking.  The clouds were light and fluffy like cotton balls.  Cars had their windows rolled down and the radios turned up.  I felt like I was in a dream sequence.

After a long, cold, harsh, snowy, miserable winter…I was happy to be able to unclench my body from it’s penguin like pose and breath in deeply.  I feel like a fighter and a survivor of the elements.  My reward for my gallant efforts are now here and they smell so sweet.

Time to fucking frolic to an open bar patio.

Love,

Femme

Happy…Family

Dear Butch,

I am so grateful that I have such a fabulous family, both my given and chosen family

I am surrounded by individuals who accept me as I am, encourage me to challenge myself, and celebrate my accomplishments.  There is so much laughter , support, and love around me; both in times of joy and sorrow.  I am incredibly blessed to have people in my life that stand behind me, even when the path I choose isn’t advised.

Both the family I was born into the and family I have collected through my life journey has become my safety net, cheering section, and peanut gallery.  Despite the challenges I have faced them with, through my life choices or the cards I was dealt through my DNA, I know that I am never alone.

Thank you for being my everything.

Love,

Femme

Happy…Tacos

Dear Butch,

I find great joy in the taco.

And no, I am not using it as a metaphor for vagina, get your head out of the gutter you sick bastard.

There is something magical about the combination of foods.  The sautéed veggies, savory protein of choice, spicy salsa, fresh avocado or guacamole, smooth cheese, and the crisp lettuce and tomatoes.  Yes, I just had a food-gasm.  And then it is all contained in the most perfect food vessel, the shell, whether it is corn or flour.  Sorry, not a hard shell fan here.  The flavors mix with each bit, but still stand there own ground.  Each bite is even and perfect.

And then stretch past the traditional taco to different combinations.  BBQ chicken and coleslaw tacos.  Breakfast tacos.  Leftover Thanksgiving meal tacos.  Dessert tacos.  Oh the options make me melt.

So love a taco tonight in my honor.  It will make my heart so happy.

Love,

Femme

Happy…T-Rex

Dear Butch,

I am going to start my month of “Happy” off with a bang…literally…

My T-Rex.

This month we will be celebrating two years together.  Two years of love, milestones, challenges, growth, struggles, adventures, and mind blowing sex.  I never thought I could be so in love with a single person until him.  He came back into my life when I was ready to give up on relationships all together, settling on finding happiness in a urban townhouse and a dog or two.

T-Rex has shaken every ideal and plan I thought I had when it came to a partner, and that is why I know he is the one for me.  He unearthed my type-A foundation with such power and grace that I was floored in the fabulous fashion.  He showed me that it was possible to fully love a single person without having to try and control the future.

As we grow and change as a couple, though his transition from female to male and my evolution as a lesbian now dating a man, I am constantly reminded on how blessed I have to have him as my partner.  He is solid and secure, as we guide each other equally forward into waters we never imagined.  I can only hope that I serve him with the same level of bravery and wisdom as he gives me.

To my darling T-Rex, I am so fucking in love with you.  No matter what happens, always and forever.

Love,

Femme

Bringing Joy

Dear Butch,

I have a crazy ass May coming up.  I think I am home one weekend the whole month.  On top of volunteer, work, and personal commitments I am also moving.  Could I try and fit more into thirty-one days?!?

Per usual when I think I feel like my life is spinning on the twilt-a-whirl a little to fast, I am making May a theme month.  What is the theme you may ask…(you can ask, it’s okay)…

Happiness.  Basic, feel good things that cause uncontrollable joy.  From the small every day items to the large once in a lifetime events.

Bring on the cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings.  I am ready to bring on the smiles.

Love,

Femme

Your Choice

Dear Butch,

I believe that a relationship is an on going adventure in choice.

A partner, no matter the level of commitment, should make choices each day concerning you.  From waking up in your arms to falling back asleep in them, it is all a choice.  Sure, there are times where that want may be more of a “I should” rather then a “I desire”, fights and disagreements happen.  But, when that desire fades is when your relationship is in trouble.  When you find yourself forcing yourself to do things that you know will only make your partner happy and not yourself, is when it is time to ask yourself a very hard question.

Leading your partner on for the sake of comfort or convince may work for you, but will hurt them harder in the long run.  Leading someone on, especially when a relationship is well established, is one of the worst forms of  emotional cruelty.  No one likes to hurt their loved ones, but think of the damage you are doing by moving forward with doubt.

The choice is yours.

Love,

Femme

Gym Grunts

Dear Butch,

I couldn’t workout next to you today, or yesterday, or the day before that.  Usually I would follow this statement with a steamy paragraph about how hot I find you and how you make my knees weak.  But that isn’t the case this time around.

I found it odd that the treadmills on either side of you were empty a few days ago.  You weren’t singing out loud with your ear buds in and you didn’t smell funky.  So I saddled up next to you and tossed you a “Hello there sexy” smile.  I pulled up my playlist and plugged in, happy to be anywhere but my office.  We started about the same time, going the same pace.  As the speed and incline got faster I heard a disturbing noise.  At first I thought I that there was something funky with my MP3 player, nope all seemed normal.  Then I heard the noise again and convinced myself for about two minutes that my machine was having a mechanical malfunction.  I slowed my roll and took off my ear buds, ready to abandon ship when I heard the noise again coming from your direction.  There you were, running with your eyes closed (which still baffles me), and making sex grunts.

What.the.fuck.

I understand getting deep into the moment of working out, losing yourself in the breathe…stretch…beat…whatever and not realizing what your body is doing.  I have had plenty of those moments during yoga!  However, I have never witnessed someone sex grunting on the treadmill.  While lifting, yes.  The combination of the sound and your face, eyes closed and skin dewy, caused me to bust into laughter.  You were giving that treadmill the best forty-five minutes of it’s life with a cigarette to follow.  I had to dismount in fear that my uncontrollable laughter would cause an injury.  You must of sensed my movement and opened your eyes, looking confused I tried to cover my giggles with a fake cough.  I waved and walked away, smiling.

I have seen you in the gym everyday since then, and as I see you head to the treadmills I place myself away from you.  I don’t want to interrupt your affair with the treadmill again.

Love,

Femme

Happy Heart

Dear Butch,

As I was sitting outside in the sunshine today, enjoying frozen yogurt and the company of my family and T-Rex, I realized how lucky of a lesbian I am.  Here I am, surrounded by those who I love and who love me in return.  Gathered in good health, sustained wealth, and free to celebrate our religious customs without prosecution.

I have immediate and extended family who loves me just as I am and has accepted my transgender partner with open arms.  We don’t have to hide who we are as individuals or as a couple.  There is no whispers from across the room or feelings of disconnect.  We are treated no different then the others members of the family.  We are just…us.

And for this and so many other reasons, I am truly blessed.

Love,

Femme

Inked Error

Dear Butch,

I know that you think it is a great idea to permanently imprint your partner’s name on your body.  As you said, “It is the ultimate symbol of love and commitment!”.  Well yes, it is a commitment that you will love…for now.

Maybe I am just a cynic.  Scratch that, I am a realist.

I get wanting to show your emotional blah blah blah.  You are young and hip, with the silly belief that your first (or maybe second) girlfriend is “the one”.  You celebrate each “month-a-versary” with pomp and circumstance.  You love each other, deeper and stronger then anyone else.  I have been in your cargo shorts, it is a wonderful feeling.  Hormones and flowers are flowing, until they don’t.

Women can cheat, lie, and be uber assholes.

I am not insulting you, your girlfriend, or your relationship.  What I am saying is that there is a really good chance you may not always want to remember this woman.  For example, when she cheats on you two months after you U-Haul because she thought that the living together bliss would magically fix her years of doubt.  Or when she stops to tell mid-fuck that she thinks you two should start seeing other people.

Okay, now I am being cynical.

I want to strongly suggest an alternative to a tattoo.  Get matching piercings, cell phone covers, bracelets, dildos, sweater vests, or cats.  All of these things can be removed quickly and with little pain.  A tattoo can not.  What seems like a wonderful idea now will most likely be a painful reminder later.  Even if you end in a very lesbian “mutual” way, do you really want your next lady to be seeing your ex’s name on your wrist as you are fisting her on your “month-a-versary”?  Hello, mood killer!

I love my T-Rex, but I also know that nothing in life is promised expect birth and death.  We have matching (non-wedding) rings and cookie cutters.  I can’t promise that he and I will be together forever, I do hope that, but I can promise that I will never regret our matching metal.

Shit happens, don’t tattoo.

Love,

Femme