Femme, Interupted

Dear Butch,

I held my breath as his words came at me, in hopes that my lungs would start to panic and I would wake up from this nightmare I must be having.  Of course this can’t be happening, I thought, it…just…can’t.

But, I never woke up.  This wasn’t a bad dream.

In early May, T-Rex ended our relationship.  Just three days after our anniversary and two days before I was going to officially move in to his home.  A sweet spot of what should have been a joyous time of celebration in our journey together was plagued with delayed confessions, hurtful words, and tear stained faces.

I made the decision to continue the “Happy” theme month, trying to find the smallest amount of joy by escaping my reality.  A cruel irony that I choose to write only about merriment, starting with T-Rex, and find myself here in this place of despair and unexplainable sorrow.

June will bring my grieving process.  There are apparently seven stages that I must travel through in order to move forward.   Each week I will be attempting to walk through them here, ending with a final good bye to the man I still love with so much depth and breadth that living without him and the life we created has left me stumbling over the simplest tasks.

I feel like I have been hit by a truck.  I struggle to breathe.  I am so fucking broken.



6 thoughts on “Femme, Interupted

  1. my heart breaks for you; keep hope alive luv. you feel broken, but you are not. it will take more then a truck to stop your honest self awareness, and deep down you know this. take time to practice breathing, see it like birth, from one enviroment into a new, not always chosen. youve done it before, being born, now youre being reborn. take time to feel and reflect. you have the right to feel or experiance your pain as you choose. power to you lady!! kus.

  2. Reading this left me so sad for you. I know that breath-holding, surreal moment when hearing life-altering words. Since I’ve made it to the other side, I wanted to let you know, if I may, once you heal, there are butches all around you that think you are amazing, beautiful and the one. Until you get to that point, I’ll send you healing thoughts.

  3. I feel for you Darlin. I’m going through kinda the same thing. My femme left me a week after I proposed to her. It’ll get better so I’ve heard… Keep your chin up because something even better than before will find you.

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