Wandering Lost

Dear Butch,

I am beyond broken.

Almost two months later and still I have no idea how to move forward from this immense sadness I feel.  It is almost like there is a balloon inside of my body and each day someone blows air into it, each day I feel like I have lost room to breath.  I have considered ending the blog.  Almost three years isn’t a bad run in the cyber world.  But, I can’t seem to pull the trigger and put my readers out of their misery.

I have lost my wit and sass, buried under packed boxes and tear stained tissues.  Also missing is my drive.  By nature I am a true Type-A, over-achiever, sexual bunny with new batteries who loves caffeine and my well-worn planner.  Gone is my energy and desires.  I keep expecting to move my feet one in front of the other, to start to feel like myself again.  But I have failed to even cross the starting line in the healing journey.

So I ask you all, my sweet and supportive virtual friends to be patient with me.  I have read your emails and messages, your kindness and grace has been a blessing.  The rest of the June/Seven Steps of Grieving posts are written, I just am having a hard time exposing all of those raw emotions and stories to the world.  I am trying to hard to protect T-Rex and what we had.  I am still so fucking in love with him, even in the aftermath.  Is my desire to protect overthrowing my ability to heal, very possible.

I am at driving at full speed towards a dead-end road, I just hope I can turn myself around before I crash.



2 thoughts on “Wandering Lost

  1. You know what, I think you might benefit from an unplanned leap… maybe say out loud to just yourself, “[insert T-Rex’s real name], I am angry that you did this to me and I deserve someone who doesn’t cheat or lie;” or, maybe, for just one day or one hour (whatever you feel up to doing) look at the things that you defended or ignored leading up to this, due to your unconditional love and trust, and hold him responsible and guilty of lying – like a parent would do… I guess what I am conveying is that you will not leave the grief until you start to see how T-Rex unethically and irresponsibly took your trust and future plans. Know your expectations and needs matter, because they do matter (and it’s not because I told you or because others told you. It’s because you know you it).

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