I am beyond broken.
Almost two months later and still I have no idea how to move forward from this immense sadness I feel. It is almost like there is a balloon inside of my body and each day someone blows air into it, each day I feel like I have lost room to breath. I have considered ending the blog. Almost three years isn’t a bad run in the cyber world. But, I can’t seem to pull the trigger and put my readers out of their misery.
I have lost my wit and sass, buried under packed boxes and tear stained tissues. Also missing is my drive. By nature I am a true Type-A, over-achiever, sexual bunny with new batteries who loves caffeine and my well-worn planner. Gone is my energy and desires. I keep expecting to move my feet one in front of the other, to start to feel like myself again. But I have failed to even cross the starting line in the healing journey.
So I ask you all, my sweet and supportive virtual friends to be patient with me. I have read your emails and messages, your kindness and grace has been a blessing. The rest of the June/Seven Steps of Grieving posts are written, I just am having a hard time exposing all of those raw emotions and stories to the world. I am trying to hard to protect T-Rex and what we had. I am still so fucking in love with him, even in the aftermath. Is my desire to protect overthrowing my ability to heal, very possible.
I am at driving at full speed towards a dead-end road, I just hope I can turn myself around before I crash.