Forced Socialization

Dear Butch,

This summer is the deepest and darkest in my life.  I struggled with daily thoughts of ending my life, feeling that the only option out of this hell was a swift and permanent exit.  It wasn’t just the imense lonelness I felt, but also the loss of a life and a dream.  I had spent two years spinning my being and my hopes with another person, the swift unwinding left me dizzy with despair.

So I made myself go out.

The rule was that I couldn’t say no unless I had a prior social engagement, starting at Memorial Day ending at Labor Day.  And so I went.  Brunches, hikes, shopping trips, beaches, classes, dance nights, concerts, road trips, social gatherings.  Despite feeling completely numb and lost, I got my ass dressed and out of the house.  Trying to get lost in the moment instead of the thoughts in my own head.  Allowing my skin to be touched, my body embraced, and my heart to be filled with love.  I tried to get lost in the moment to laughter or intellect.  Even in the moments where I wanted to burst into tears and run back home to crawl into bed, I stuck it out and pushed myself further.  I had to shove myself forward and further then ever before.

I would like to thank those for the invites out this summer.  Unknowingly, you saved my life.

Love,

Femme

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